Activision Pays $6 Billion for Our Grandmas

Activision has recently paid $5.9 billion for Candy Crush Saga creator King. In other words, if every dollar Activision spent on candy crush was a Starburst, collectively, they would cover the entire surface area of the planet Mercury. That fun tidbit isn’t necessarily true, but it puts things into perspective, doesn’t it?

For a while, people could not comprehend why Activision would spend all of these consumer’s tears (a slang term for money around the office at Activision) on a game whose primary audience has the name Ethel. I theorized that Activision Führer Bobby Kotick’s mom had a bad Candy Crush addiction and he bought out King to spare his mother from their notoriously vicious loan sharks. While my theory has not yet been disproven, Activision has made their motives clearer by recently expressing interest in the 500+ million people who play Candy Crush Saga rather than the game itself–which, by the way, is enough people to wipe out Los Angeles with a tsunami if they all jumped in the Pacific Ocean at once. In other words, Activision hasn’t bought Candy Crush Saga. Activision has bought our sweet, nuerotically addicted grandmothers who invite us to play it on Facebook.

The company plans on cross-promoting games once the merger is complete, although they did not express what exactly they meant by cross-promoting. I assume by Spring of next year, Black Ops 3 players will have to invite new friends or pay 99¢ for a new match every time they die. Or perhaps Candy Crush Saga will get a Kill Cam where players have to relive their crucial strategic mistake over and over again. Okay, so maybe these are a little farfetched, but I fully expect Candy Crush Saga to be inundated with Activision ads for Call of Duty and Skylanders. “Become the World’s BEST Grandma! Buy your grandkids SKYLANDERS! Skylanders: Protecting you from becoming emotionally irrelevant in your grandchild’s heart in this dark and shallow husk of a culture in which we live.” Or, y’know, something like that.

So what do you think, my dear reader? You think this is a smart move on Activision’s part? Are you horrified when you realize (after some tedious long division) that Activision paid a mere $11.80 for your grandma’s soul? Let us know in the comments section below! And don’t forget to stop by Top Shelf Gaming for brand new articles every week!

Written by Jesse Cupp

Jesse Cupp is a sophomore at Chapman University, double-majoring in Screenwriting and English. Outside of writing scripts and papers, he spends a great deal of time playing his PS3 and GameCube. He has a long and complicated relationship with Nintendo.

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